"If your rice bowl is full, then you are blessed."

I'm whiny, but I've resolved myself to what must take place.

I am blessed. Stressed, but blessed.

My rice bowl is full...

So what's going on?

I'm stupid busy.

*The buyers have decided that they would like my furnishings, however, I went on a crazy packing spree when they were trying to jerk me around and I refuse to unpack anything for the 2nd time. So I've spent the evening tagging the items that I haven't packed to indicate it won't be going into the moving truck. I'm happy with the price I will be paid, but feeling a little regret over one piece that I didn't really want to let go of. I priced it really high thinking they wouldn't want it and in the end, they did.

*We've bargained ourselves some golf cart parking in my garage for our employee, in exchange for pool care service.

*I've met with 2 new other employees for a smooth transfer of another contract that we have.

*I spent the last 2 weeks finishing up dental, pediatric and dermatology appts for all the kids.

*I spent today with my fabulous in laws helping me remove certain items that I refused to include in the contract, such as: a few light fixtures that I love, wooden closet organizers, a

few ignoramus wall hangings that I couldn't lift by myself and watching my FIL be my pool boy=0) It's been in need of some TLC, but there's only one of me and I just haven't had time to fool with it.

We are looking forward to Daddy coming home. I need him & so do the kids...especially one scared, confused little girl who is taking a few steps back and needing to be repouched as she trusts that every time I step outside without her, I will return.

She is so strong and yet so weak.

She is sturdy and yet so fragile.

She is my superhero.

Well this is just gonna suck...

So I ask that you please bare with me and my Debbie Downer thoughts that seem to be controlling my state of mind. I want to feel like me. Like happy happy me, but it's a struggle.

In case you're just tuning in and don't know it yet, but I live on AH LA CUL DE SAC HEAVEN.

The best neighbors you will ever find. Today alone, I cried 6 times...& each time it was because of multiple neighbors. However, the clan across the street has become so intertwined with my being that I am no longer sure how to live without them. M is the better me...the MUCH better me. I am dark, she is light. I am snarky, she is kind.

What surprises many is we don't share mutual friends, faith, family, culture or activities...but we jive. Like the sun and the moon. She has 3 boys the same age as my 3 boys and we share international adoption of 2 amazing daughters and we have both been married for 16 plus glorious years to 2 fabulous guys. I don't only connect with her, I love her and her family.

I'm at home with her beside me and I just need to figure out how to bring her with me!

EG however, is not feeling the 'home' love. She wakes up at night to do roll call and find out where her family members are...are they asleep? are they in Fl0rida? are they in Ge0rgia?

Her life is in turmoil and as much as I want to stay, we really need to make changes for her emotional well being and as most of you know, that has been our main focus from day one.

My little girl needs her Daddy full time, who would have thought her attachment to him would be so deep after only 11 1/2 months of knowing him and being so terrified of who he was was for the first 3 months of togetherness? My perfect precious EG is keeping me grounded to what is right. It would be so easy to roll over and stay separated for selfish paradise reasons, but she is forcing us to reunite as a family. She might only be 2, but she's pretty darn smart if I do say so myself.

Deflated

That's how I feel.

Things have changed, the tide has turned and it's time for me to go. I wanted to be strong for my kids, I really did, it's why I pulled the plug on the closing in the first place, but life isn't working for us the way it is now. We need Daddy in it everyday, not for a few hours every 2 weeks. I can't do this gig alone anymore, it's drained me to the point of misery.

EG is a hot mess. She has no idea what happened to Daddy and she's acting out in every naughty way possible and it's hard to sit back and watch the downward spiral of EG's fears being played out everyday in such a tiresome manner.

I wanted the boys to finish school here, but the truth is, they miss their Daddy and they haven't exactly made this transition period easy. In fact, they've been nothing short of a pain in the ass and I'm living on migraine pills.

This isn't the life that I love in parad*se. This was the biggest boating weekend in my neck of the woods and we missed it on Sat and that made me sad. In fact, the whole weekend was sad. I had myself a good ol' fashioned pity party and thank gawd for friends that didn't let me drink alone...after all, we do have a fully stocked bar that needs emptied.

I will spend this week closing up the life I know and pending everything can be arranged with the movers, we'll be gone next week=0( I have till the end of June to stay in paradise and do as I please, but life isn't working for us this way, we need Daddy. I am shot, mentally and physically. I'm just sick of it all. After the closing, I felt at peace because I knew I had negotiated myself some time and it removed a lot of the immediate pressure, but after a very upsetting phone call from someone who owes us $1100, I caved. I can't handle anymore bullshit and I'm done. That was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. The truth is, I never planned on seeing that money from him, but I didn't expect him to drag mutual friends into it and create a 'smoke screen' to feel entitled to screw his friends. I don't even care, I'm more worried about him than the money, but it was one more round of bullshit that did me in.

It's time for me to stop delaying the inevitable and start working on bringing my family back together and creating a bright new future for us.

"I think I'd better leave right now
Before I fall any deeper
I think I'd better leave right now
Feeling weaker and weaker
Somebody better show me out
Before I fall any deeper
I think I'd better leave right now..."

My Tribe

Jaylee & Eme

All you have to do is sign your name on the dotted line...

So today I said goodbye.

It wasn't just a pile of brick and painted stucco.

We've been in paradise for 16 years and this home has spoke sweet nuthin's in my ear for 6 years.

It was home. Home to me. It was the home that provided a much needed respite from life in WV after the death of my dad and my papaw. It's been 6 beautiful, fantastically FUN years behind these walls.

God, it's been FUN. Every room is full of happy memories, each room decorated with love and polished like a newborn silver spoon. I've *loved* every single second of life in this home. It wasn't just a place to live to me, it was a way of life. This house holds my whole heart.

It was home the minute we stepped foot in it and I've never been more happy in my entire life than I've been here. Seriously, what's not to love about it? How in God's green earth do you leave parad*se? How do I leave the best neighbors in the world?

I'm scared. Scared of the future, scared it won't be me, scared I'll feel like I'm not at home anywhere else, scared I'll be miserable, scared I'll miss home. It feels like I'm getting a divorce from something that I don't want to leave. I feel like I'm about to cheat on my house.

I could take all the B0D bullshit times 10, to have done it again exactly the same way. I've LOVED it here beyond measure. It's been real, real FUN.

Yesterday I pulled the plug on the sell, knowing full well that the buyers may or may not have been aware of what fell out of their Realtors mouth. But like I explained to the buyers on the phone for 2 hours today, I can only go on what the people that they hired to represent them say.

I was brutally bitchy to them and stood really firm, because ultimately I realized that I don't 'HAVE to' sign the papers if I'm not happy & in the end, they sweetened the deal and I really couldn't say no.

I don't really know how the future will play out with me coming back here whenever I desire, but they've said it no less than a dozen times to me & J that the offer still stands even after the drama, so we shall see. However, I did go from 'stark raving mad ripping the damn molding off the walls' kind of attitude to 'maybe I'll just leave the damn molding' kind of attitude. So we shall see.

It's been real. REAL FUN....gawd this day was hard and I'm glad it's over. I never knew that my signature could take so much out of me.

and now I'm done...

Good Lord the drama.

I could seriously use another girls weekend now!

So my fabulous, to good to be true buyers decided to try to screw me over 2 days before our scheduled closing date.

After:

one round of stressful tears

2 One Hour conversations with the buyer, the realtor and the lawyer

one conversation with my very knowledgeable Col friend

6 200mg of ibuprofen

one trip to the dentist

flying solo with 4 kids & all their activities & the stress of that alone

& one really strong cocktail

I decided to tell the buyer to go f@&# himself.

So the short & skinny is:

I've lost the place that I most love and will never return to (as it stands now)

I'm taking all the furnishings with me that they wanted.

I'm willing to NOT sign in 2 days and NOT close.

They will agree to MY terms or I'm NOT closing in 2 days.

I'll find another buyer. period.

f@&# 'em.

Even my realtor knew enough about me to tell the other realtor that "you don't really wanna f@&# with her. She's got enough balls to pull the plug on this closing."

& guess what????

I do and I did!

So after I packed, putty, patched & painted the walls...

I unpacked, rehung, reorganized and reset all the furnishings back to their proper spot. And after today, I repacked and they can be forever sorry that they f@&# with me and they won't receive the reputty, repatch and repaint the wall kind of treatment....

cause this MAMA is not up to bullshit like treatment.

I'm so done. Done. Like never before kind of done.

How dare they pretend to be one person in front of me and my kids and then try to stick it to me in their best *cultural* way 2 days before we close.

I am ridiculously fair and very loyal, but don't try to stick it to me 2 days before closing on a house that NOBODY will ever love like me and act like you are doing me a favor.

I just wouldn't go there with me...just sayin.

Apparently somebody forgot to tell the buyers that this chica doesn't do drama.

Our last hurrah, playing in paradise...

This past weekend was a laugh out loud kinda time.

Mare & Col made the trek down to parad*se to finally be here at the same time. The plans were made before we knew we would be leaving parad*se, so what seemed like a fun trip turned into our 'our last hurrah'...

We consumed a ridiculous amount of calories at all hours of the day & night.

We laughed till our cheeks hurt.

We cried till our makeup was smudged.

We sang till our voices croaked.

& we watched Mare blow her nose no less than 892 times.

Gawd that was a fun weekend that went by way to fast.

Below is a hodgepodge of photos that apparently shows I have no shame in posting ;0)

I love love love my good time girls and it was tremendously sad when they left.

Parad*se will never be the same...