Monday, May 10, 2010

Deflated

That's how I feel.

Things have changed, the tide has turned and it's time for me to go. I wanted to be strong for my kids, I really did, it's why I pulled the plug on the closing in the first place, but life isn't working for us the way it is now. We need Daddy in it everyday, not for a few hours every 2 weeks. I can't do this gig alone anymore, it's drained me to the point of misery.
EG is a hot mess. She has no idea what happened to Daddy and she's acting out in every naughty way possible and it's hard to sit back and watch the downward spiral of EG's fears being played out everyday in such a tiresome manner.

I wanted the boys to finish school here, but the truth is, they miss their Daddy and they haven't exactly made this transition period easy. In fact, they've been nothing short of a pain in the ass and I'm living on migraine pills.
This isn't the life that I love in parad*se. This was the biggest boating weekend in my neck of the woods and we missed it on Sat and that made me sad. In fact, the whole weekend was sad. I had myself a good ol' fashioned pity party and thank gawd for friends that didn't let me drink alone...after all, we do have a fully stocked bar that needs emptied.

I will spend this week closing up the life I know and pending everything can be arranged with the movers, we'll be gone next week=0( I have till the end of June to stay in paradise and do as I please, but life isn't working for us this way, we need Daddy. I am shot, mentally and physically. I'm just sick of it all. After the closing, I felt at peace because I knew I had negotiated myself some time and it removed a lot of the immediate pressure, but after a very upsetting phone call from someone who owes us $1100, I caved. I can't handle anymore bullshit and I'm done. That was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. The truth is, I never planned on seeing that money from him, but I didn't expect him to drag mutual friends into it and create a 'smoke screen' to feel entitled to screw his friends. I don't even care, I'm more worried about him than the money, but it was one more round of bullshit that did me in.

It's time for me to stop delaying the inevitable and start working on bringing my family back together and creating a bright new future for us.


"I think I'd better leave right now
Before I fall any deeper
I think I'd better leave right now
Feeling weaker and weaker
Somebody better show me out
Before I fall any deeper
I think I'd better leave right now..."

24 comments:

skm said...

T~ So sorry for the pain in all areas of your life right now. Hug those beautiful kids of yours and remember that they are all that really matter in life. Hope you will find sunshine in your new digs.
Sharon

Jennifer said...

I am so sad that you are feeling this way. I can only begin to imagine how hard it is. PLEASE leave me a message if there is anything I can do to help - only a short drive away. Take care of your family, and remember anytime you want to come on down to Miami, you are more than welcome......

Jennifer in Miami

Sandra said...

It sounds like those lyrics could not ring more true for you right now. So sorry you are dealing with so much right now.

Lisa (Briana's Mom) said...

I'm so sorry T. We will be on vacation next week, but if you need anything when we get back, let me know! Hang in there!

Lynn said...

I'm sorry it is so bad right now. I hope you will start to feel better once you are with your hubby and your kids are with their daddy.

xoxo,

Lynn

3D said...

That is just super sucky and I am so sorry that the end of your time in paradise is not as sunny as you had hoped/planned.

Keep smilin!

Shari U said...

I'm sorry you're hurting right now. Sounds like paradise will be where your family is together. God bless you as you get through this week and get your family back on track.

Anonymous said...

Deep breaths T ~ Paradise will soon be yours in the North ~ best of luck in the coming week.

trish in de

Kristi said...

You are so doing the right thing now. ...Once you know, no matter how painful, that your family's life is headed in another direction, the limbo life is not satisfying at all. You've taken the time to grieve, and now is the time to embrace the new direction that must be 'meant to be'. Look forward to opening your arms to what God has ordained as the place to fulfill your beautiful family's next chapter. Be happy and charge forward cause "when Mama's happy, everyone's happy!" :-)

Debra said...

Oh Sweet Girl,
I'm so sorry this is such a rough time right now. Perhaps it is just life's way of getting you out of the known paradise and into the new one. I pray peace for you and your children now and always. Stay strong, you can do this and will do it grandly.

Meg said...

Ugh......I feel your pain in your post- I'm so sorry. I hope everyone feels some peace once you are back together as a family.....best wishes on a seamless move.......
Meg

Colleen said...

As hard as this is going to be, T... you are doing the right thing. I am so happy that you made this decision. One more hurdle..done. This is going to be a tough week, expect nothing less, but move forward knowing that your family will be together, Eme will calm down, you will loose pounds of stress, and you can decorate your new home. Paradise is only a drive away, and I will go with ya anytime. This is NOT forever. Keep telling yourself that.

Luv you. It will be OK. Promise.

Dawn and Dale said...

T......I SOOOOO know what it is like to solo parent while your hubby is away working! I just finished almost two years of that! I can tell you we do not take a single moment for granted as a family anymore! It was TOUGH stuff!

So thankful you are able to go be with him already! If that is an option....then it's true that this is what is probably best for your family!!

Praying for you guys!! Hugs! Dawn.

Lindsay said...

"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened."

I'm sure that you'll find things better with the kids especially for not drawing out the goodbyes any longer. Once kids know they - or their friends - are leaving friendships often begin to unravel for them as they all begin to come to terms with the approaching separation, and behaviour becomes difficult. Hard as leaving will be I'm sure that you are making the right decision for you all. This way they will begin to make new friends to meet up with over the summer.

And always remember: you didn't find Paradise - you made it.

And you will all make it again.

Paradise will be where ever you choose to give your heart. It will be in the memories you continue to make every single day with your husband and children. It will be in the looks of joy and excitement on birthdays and Christmas mornings for years to come. It will be in the life you have yet to discover with friends you have not yet met in the house you have still to call home.

Colleen said...

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way right now. Moving is never easy. We always planned are military moves around this time so that our kids could finish out the school year. My husband would always go to our new location early to find a new home and get things settled for us. I know how hard it is being split apart. Once you are all together everything else will fall into place. Hang in there!

dawn said...

This is so hard to read but I know that once your family is once again all together under one roof that your likf will start to have that happy jive to it that makes you, you and yours, yours.

Hoping that the tears stop soon and the smiles find their way back to everyones faces.

Football & Fried Rice said...

you are so much stronger now than i think you are giving yourself credit for - or even believing about yourself. you are the glue holding your family together. have faith, trust yourself. love yourself.

you are going to get your 'smile back'...

sending hugs from the midwest,

sara

Daniella said...

I wish you all the best as you move forward with your family to a new paradise that you will create together with your family. I wish you peace and strength as you make this incredibly difficult move.... This song has been on repeat on my ipod and it truly does sum up your situation right now. Stay strong my friend ;)

Diana said...

I am so sorry for all of what you are going through. My husband was laid off over a year ago and has been looking since for a job and I know this could all be in our future too. I do agree with being ALL together again. You need to move on and restart a new paradise as I honestly think where ever you are ALL at it will be Paradise:)
Good Luck!

Half Gaelic, Half Garlic! said...

I am so sorry for all that you have been through these last few weeks...... I cannot even imagine going through this.....especially when you are a one woman show juggling everything!! I hope that you will feel more at peace once you are all together and settling into your new home. Best wishes to you....... I will be thinking of your family the next few weeks!! Hang in there:)

BTW, love the new blog...... Rita totally rocks, doesn't she?

Lisa

Anonymous said...

Ah Tracy feeling your pain. Tony and I lived 9 months apart so our daughter who was a senior could finish high school. It was tough...your awesome hanging in there with 4 kids.
Sounds like it's time to get on with things. Time will heal..but it won't be easy. I continue to have pity parties almost daily, missing my old Florida life. I don't know when I'll be able to go back to visit. Still too painful. Please e-mail me anytime if you need some cyber therapy.
Jen

Kim said...

Big Hugs girly.. you are doing the right thing by getting the family together..
Love you ..
it will all fall into place..
Hugs..

CrombieClan said...

What is this crap....ya dork!!! LMAO and ya know what I'm talking about. Sorry but I can't be an a*&hole on this wonderful blog I'm now so honoured to be a part of. Of course I've held the front row seat to your life for the past six years so the blog was just a shadow in our court life. I now will have to join your blog life and will love you forever. You are priceless and beyond anything I could imagine, I sit here with an ugly cry brewing...thinking...'ah crap'....it's actually going to end but will just continue in a different atmosphere. Where's the damn kleenex?? LOVE YOU NEIGHBOR!

RM @ LMMP said...

You guys are in our thoughts and prayers! I definitely know how it feels to leave everything you ever knew behind (after 20 years in Ohio, we up and moved).

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